tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC February 7, 2013 12:35am-1:35am EST
-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much, everyone. welcome. welcome! thank you for coming. thank you for watching. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. how you feeling tonight? feeling good? [ cheers and applause ] here's what people are talking about. today, the postal service announced that it will stop delivering mail on saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. postal workers were shocked. they were like, "we were supposed to deliver mail on saturdays?" [ laughter ] did you hear about this? peta is criticizing beyonce for the leather costume she wore during the super bowl halftime show. or as the ball got kicked and thrown for three solid hours -- but, yeah, that's the leather you should be worried about. [ laughter and applause ] "am i nothing?" [ light laughter ] yup, peta is mad at beyonce for her leather costume, but even cows are like, "oh, come on, she looked awesome." can't we all agree? [ laughter ]
this isn't good, you guys. they just revealed that the federal reserve was hacked on sunday. pretty serious. in fact, they're saying the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion. [ laughter ] we don't have anything. we don't have anything in there. go ahead, hackers. [ cheers and applause ] i read that cbs is hoping to avoid wardrobe malfunctions at the grammys on sunday by warning celebrities to wear appropriate clothes. and by telling lady gaga that the show is next sunday. [ laughter ] that's what they are doing. check this out. after thousands of people voted on facebook, monopoly is replacing its iron game piece with a cat. if that surprises you, remember, these are people who had enough free time to vote on a new monopoly game piece. [ laughter ] "what do you think, whiskers?" [ laughter ] here's a crazy story. this week, a construction worker in boston survived a 30-foot fall after he landed in a pile of bubble wrap. [ light laughter ] it took them two hours to get him out, mainly because he was
like, "wait, just one more. [ laughter ] it's so much fun! all right, now pull me out. help me. save me." this is pretty cool. after finding the bones of king richard iii, scientists in the u.k. released a picture of what he might have looked like. pretty amazing. can you show the picture of the 560-year-old king? [ laughter ] no, wait, no! not that, no. forget it. [ cheers and applause ] we'll do the joke tomorrow. and finally, i heard that north korean leader kim jong-un recently got a smartphone. you could tell it's a smartphone because, today, it left north korea. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a fun, fun show tonight. it's big. i love it when she stops by. the one, the only whoopi goldberg is here! [ cheers and applause ] we love whoopi.
also, we have -- she's one of the smartest, most creative young minds out there. from "rookie" magazine, tavi gevinson is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] we love her, too. plus, he's the former head of sony music entertainment and an industry legend. he's worked with mariah carey, michael jackson, bruce springsteen, some of the biggest names in the business. tommy mottola is dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] he's got some fun stories. and we'll have stand-up from the hilarious kurt metzger, everybody. i cannot wait to get this show going. [ applause ] let's kick it off. last night, we premiered part one of the latest episode of "downton sixbey." [ cheers ] our version of "downton abbey." you know "downton abbey," right? it's a period drama on pbs about a very proper english family, sort of like an "upstairs, downstairs" type of thing. we love it around here. in fact, the way they act on "downton abbey" is pretty much exactly the way we act behind the scenes here at "late night." the british accents, the dramatic looks, the formal
outfits. it's what it's like backstage here at studio 6b. that's where we are. i think you'll see what i mean in part two of the latest episode of "downton sixbey." [ applause ] >> previously on "downton sixbey" -- >> jimmy: carson daly was in yet another hot air balloon accident, and questlove is back to being the heir to downton sixbey. i've made some bad business decisions as of late, and i'm afraid that means rationing the wine. >> turns out, our man, higgins, is on the run. poisoned his wife's cup of tea with roach killer. >> how do you know this? >> the truth is one of your daughters has stolen my heart. i've come to ask her hand in marriage. ♪ ♪
>> jimmy: i couldn't be more pleased. may i ask which daughter you wish to marry? surely you must mean my loveliest daughter, lady kat. >> no. >> jimmy: perhaps my smoking hot daughter, lady amber, then. >> no. >> jimmy: well, surely not -- >> lady edith, will you marry me? [ laughter ] >> i don't know. let me think about it. yes. [ light laughter ] >> ooh. well, that's one pooch i thought might never leave the pound. [ laughter ] >> really, it's so exciting. there's so much planning to do. >> jimmy: no! let's not waste time with all of that. i think that we should join our families and their fortunes together at once. tonight, if possible! >> my dear james.
if i didn't know better, i would think you were just interested in us for our money. >> jimmy: yeah, that's exact -- i mean, no. that is exactly what i don't want. i'm just so happy that these two should be together now, not later. now! i don't suppose you have your money with you, by the way? >> you think i carry it in my purse? >> jimmy: ha-ha-ha, hee-hee. what a gawker. no, of course not. but we can sort that all out later. i think, for now, we should all just take turns sloshing around a glass of champagne in our mouths to celebrate! ♪ >> you've got some explaining to do. >> i don't know what you mean. >> how is it you heard higgins confessed to murdering his wife in his sleep? >> i don't know. maybe i slip into his room every night and stare at him after he nods off. >> and you're quite certain you heard him say he put bug poison
in his wife's cup of tea? >> that's the short version. he also got run out of town by a pack of dachshunds. according to higgins, they chewed his bloody foot off. >> excuse me. i hope i'm not interrupting anything important. >> not at all, milady. >> i've been tugging the bell for ages. we're desperate for champagne in the parlor. >> let higgins know straight away, milady. >> make sure he doesn't poison it. ♪ >> jimmy: i am yelling into this fireplace to show that i am still in charge of this house, despite the fact that i have squandered the family's entire fortune! but now, i'm going to turn and address the room. o'flannigan, have you managed to get lady hughes into a wedding dress yet? >> i'm working as fast as i can, milord. but sew a ten stone maid into a three pence gown is two pence ten and a half- round bunny cake. [ laughter ]
>> i just heard the most awful rumor. >> jimmy: i'm wearing my underwear. no one else is. >> oh, what are you talking about? >> jimmy: what are you talking about? >> i heard that higgins poisoned his wife and lost a foot to dachshunds. >> your champagne, milady. ♪ >> jimmy: higgins, what do you have to say about this rumor that you've murdered your wife and had your foot bitten off by wiener dogs? >> 'tis false, milord. >> jimmy: thank god. >> but the truth is much worse. >> jimmy: well then, let it be known for crying out loud. >> very well. here's what actually happened. back in brisbane, i was a struggling poet. i was quite good, in fact. one night, the entire town gathered at the local theater to hear me recite my latest works,
a series of puppets in the style of gangnam. [ laughter ] but it turns out it was not a poem i delivered that night -- it was poop in my pants. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> i pulled a roker, as they say. [ laughter ] made a pot of butt coffee. i opened up a pudding shop in the basement. [ laughter ] they say there was a mud slide in butt canyon. i don't remember eating corn that day. apparently, i did. i turned on my light and -- [ laughter ] some people think it's cool if you do it in the pool. [ laughter ] there was a fudge delivery, yet no one was there to sign for it. so apparently, brown left the package at the back door. [ laughter ] i opened a stool factory. there was only one employee, and he was an ass [ bleep ]. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, i think we get the drift, higgins. >> yes, well, after i bought that one-way ticket to brown town, i ran off stage and kept running.
at one point, i caught up in a small rabbit trap, had to chew my own foot off to escape the mockery. that's how we ended up with old lunch box here. so, there you have it. i didn't kill my wife. never even been married. in fact, never even kissed a girl. just an old virgin, who [ bleep ] his pants at a poetry reading. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: what a sad story, old friend. and disgusting. a bit more disgusting than sad actually. >> she's ready, your lordship. >> thank you, o'flannigan. ♪ >> jimmy: my darling edith, you
look like you're wearing a wedding dress. [ laughter ] set it down. all of it. ♪ >> man. this family is [ bleep ] up. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: so much drama. be sure to check out previous episodes of "downton sixbey" at latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/ downtonsixbey. stick around! we'll be right back with lady whoopi herself. whoopi goldberg! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] applebee's new entrees are full of flavor
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is an oscar, emmy, tony and grammy award winner. she's also a co-host on "the view," which airs weekdays on abc. please welcome back to the show the lovely, the talented whoopi goldberg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ whoop there it is whoop there it is whoop there it is whoop there it is ♪ ♪ whoop there it is whoop there it is whoop there it is ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> wow. hello. >> jimmy: whoopi goldberg, come on. >> hello, hello. >> jimmy: you always come bearing gifts. >> i do. >> jimmy: and they're delicious. >> can i just say congratulations. i got my fingers crossed for y'all for the grammy. >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. [ cheers and applause ] best rap album, "undun." >> a fabulous album. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but, yes, i brought you cookies. >> jimmy: now, this is a beautiful box. i don't even want to open it. >> well, you must. because we have to sample. >> jimmy: yes, right. now, it says ruby -- >> violette. >> jimmy: violette. >> and they're in the city, and they make fabulous cookies. they do seasonal stuff. it's just phenomenal. and, you know, any time i find something that i really like, i bring it to you. >> jimmy: you do. last year, you brought macaroons. >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. wait, what? >> yeah. look at that. >> jimmy: look at that cookie. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so, which one should we try? >> well, let's try -- >> jimmy: the break up?
red velvet. >> how about a rocky -- oh, no, not that. we can't do it. that's the rocky seduction. i was like nuh-uh, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: come on. >> no. >> jimmy: i'm gonna do darn good. >> okay, do darn good. >> jimmy: all right. thank you. [ light laughter ] that's phenomenal. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: probably the best cookie i ever had in my life. >> they do brilliant, brilliant things. you guys, you get to try it. >> jimmy: here, roots, you want to do that? >> they are fantastic. >> jimmy: yeah, there you go. >> you want me to bring them over? >> jimmy: yeah, go on. >> okay. >> jimmy: what shoes are you wearing? they're awesome shoes. >> i'm wearing some fabulous shoes. >> jimmy: look at those guys. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. >> jimmy: where are they from? >> these are from a site called nasty gal. >> jimmy: nasty gal. >> nasty gal. >> jimmy: all right, just have some. do whatever. >> they're really good. >> jimmy: you always have the new stuff. they say thank you. >> you're welcome, as always. >> jimmy: they're very polite. they're very polite young men. >> very well-raised. >> jimmy: thank you for doing "downton sixbey," by the way,
lady whoopi. >> i have to tell you, man. it was such a -- it was such an honor to get the call to come and play, you know? folks don't generally let me come play, and i just really want to have a good time. and i just -- and any time i can say, "yes, questlove is my child --" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you will take it, yeah. >> i will take it. >> jimmy: you're one of the funniest people in the whole wide world. we don't even have to write lines for you. and whatever you do, you just deliver gold. thank you so much. >> i take direction well. >> jimmy: you are unbelievable. >> well, now i -- >> jimmy: and it helps -- we can't even look at higgins when he talks. >> it is -- listen, he just went through all of these things. >> jimmy: my head was -- i was crying laughing. >> what was it? he opened a -- a stool expert. >> jimmy: that's a combo joke. he wrote the first part. i wrote the second part. >> right. >> jimmy: he goes, "i opened the stool factory." >> yeah. >> jimmy: "and the only employee was an ass [ bleep ]." [ laughter ] >> and wait, there's another one. the mud slide and -- >> jimmy: and butt cake. >> and butt cake. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: dude, he had so many more we had to cut out.
>> they're fantastic. >> jimmy: thank you for doing that. do you watch "downton abbey," the real one? >> i do. >> jimmy: yeah, i love it. >> listen, it's beautifully done. it looks great. it's a place everybody wants to go. yeah, i want to just walk through the wall. >> jimmy: that's what -- i do, too. yeah. people are getting married there now, you know. >> oh, no. >> jimmy: you can rent it out and get married there. >> i don't want to hear that. >> jimmy: that just ruins it? >> well, you know, valentine's day is coming up, and so all this -- "i'm getting married on valentine's day." i'm just, like, over it. >> jimmy: yeah, right? just get married if you want to get married. don't make a special, weird thing about it. >> why does it have to be one day? why does it have to be one day? that's the one day that you have to love somebody and give them flowers and stuff. >> reporter: 'cause that's when hallmark makes money. that's how -- i know. you almost said -- yeah. >> i almost said it. >> jimmy: yeah, just say it. >> oh, [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how is -- how's everything at "the view"? barbara walters has chicken pox? >> yeah, she got the chicken pox. >> jimmy: that's awful. >> and she was ill, and she fainted. >> jimmy: she's having a rough couple of weeks. >> yeah, yeah.
but they couldn't figure out why she would've fainted. and it took a little while, and she went to the hospital and, you know, she cut her face. and they gave her stitches, and, like, a couple days later, she broke out into the chicken pox. and i said, "well, that's what the fever is from." but she had never gotten them, you know? >> jimmy: that's interesting, right? >> well, there's a couple of folks that i know who have never had them. never had the mumps, you know. so, i never thought about it 'cause i had them. >> jimmy: yeah, me, too. >> yeah, my kids -- they had 'em and gave them to each other a couple of times. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> you know. >> jimmy: well, i remember actually going to school to try to get chicken pox. >> yeah, 'cause they wanted you to get it over with. >> jimmy: yeah, once you get it, you can't get it again. so, i was just making out with everybody. [ laughter ] >> making out? how late did you have the chicken pox? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: 26. [ light laughter ] hey, you're always doing something fun. always doing something different. you're directing -- you just directed a documentary. you're editing it now. >> i'm editing. >> jimmy: i'm very excited about this. >> yeah. >> moms mabley. >> jimmy: moms mabley. i can't believe there hasn't been a documentary. >> well, there hasn't been
anything because i think people forget the reality is she was the first female stand-up comedian. >> jimmy: yeah. >> she started '29, 1929. and she worked all the way up till 1975, and she did stand-up, and that's it. she was magnificent, and they didn't really discover her. white folks didn't really discover her because there was a circuit -- there still is a circuit now in america called the toba. and it's a circuit of black theatres and movie houses and places black folks can go. because, you know, we weren't always this liberal. sitting in an audience of mixed people wasn't what was happening in the '20s and '30s and '40s, so there were theatres and performance spots where these folks could go. and every black performer went through there. i mean, you name them. butterbeans and susie was the dance group and just all kinds of folks. >> jimmy: butterbeans and susie?
>> yes, butterbeans and susie were an amazing comedy dance group. they were a duo. >> jimmy: really? >> and they were fantastic. you know, mantan moreland. you know, you name any great black performer and they went through there. and moms was one of them. moms also wrote a musical with zora neale hurston, which shocked the hell out of me. she was also one of the first, i think, black female performers, certainly a comic, to play carnegie hall, man. >> jimmy: really? >> moms mabley played carnegie hall. i mean, it's extraordinary. >> jimmy: i had a moms mabley record. >> this documentary is not about her life. it is about her impact. and we have all kinds of wonderful people. kathy griffin talks about her. sidney poitier talks about her. quincy talks about her. i mean, it's extraordinary. >> jimmy: do you have a release date? >> i don't have the release date yet. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> but it will come out soon. >> jimmy: i would say that if moms was around, she'd be very proud and thankful.
so, i'm happy that you did this. >> i'm very happy i did it, too, because, you know, she lives inside of me. [ impersonating moms mabley ] and do you know what she would say to you, jimmy? you know jimmy fallon. you don't know who i am, do you? y'all did not -- you don't know moms? look me up, damn it. [ laughter ] google me. google me. >> jimmy: google me. whoopi goldberg. "the view" airs weekdays on abc. [ cheers and applause ] tavi gevinson joins us next. you're great, always. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ female announcer ] what does he really want for valentine's day? ♪ ♪ this valentine's day give him what he really wants. you! with k-y yours + mine and get a $25 gift card from restaurant.com.
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>> jimmy: we are joined right now by a very interesting and accomplished young person. she is the creator and editor-in-chief of "rookie" magazine, which is one of our favorite things on the internet. this is "yearbook one." this is the book that she put out. she's super cool. please welcome back to the show, our pal, tavi gevinson, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i like your style i like your style ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show. we love having you on, as always. >> yeah. >> jimmy: thank you for skipping school to be here. >> you're welcome on behalf of my teachers. >> jimmy: are you in trouble? >> no. i think my teachers are kind of, like, trying to hide that they're into it when i'm like, "i can't be here tomorrow. i have to go do this thing." and then, they're like, "what do you have to do?" and i'm like, "i'm gonna, like, go on tv, whatever." i mean, it's not like my -- my dad is e-mailing them and being like, "tavi has to miss
school tomorrow because she has a lot of drugs to do." so, they are fine with it. >> jimmy: yeah, so they're fine. you're actually doing something nice and good and moving forward. >> right. >> jimmy: you have a very good brain. are you a good student? >> thank you. yeah, i'd say so. >> jimmy: yeah. you are. you're a good student. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i know you're doing this thing called a.c.t. class. that's tomorrow. you're going back to chicago tomorrow. >> i get back tomorrow just in time for a two-hour class on filling in bubbles, yes. >> jimmy: with a number two pencil. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i remember i hated studying for those things. >> it's just really nerve-racking more so than, like, anything else. >> jimmy: yeah. i just don't even understand s.a.t.s. i was awful at it. i think i got a two s.a.t. score. [ laughter ] >> i'm putting off worrying about it as far off as possible. i don't think the tests are till, like, april. >> jimmy: are you thinking about college? >> yeah. >> jimmy: where? >> east coast like near new york, but not in new york. >> jimmy: fun. >> yeah.
>> jimmy: we'd love to have you over here. >> i'd love to be here. >> jimmy: yeah. no l.a. or no sunny place. >> no. i really like l.a., but i feel like i'll save it for when i, like, have a mid-life crisis or something. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you think l.a. is a good place if you have a mid-life crisis? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. that's good thinking, i guess. yeah. >> you can avoid basically the outside world because you are just, like, house or car or in a building. >> jimmy: yeah. >> because you don't -- like, people there either drive or run, but they don't walk anywhere. they're not just, like, outside. >> jimmy: no. it's always people jogging or people driving by people jogging. >> right. >> jimmy: but that's true, yeah. i never even thought about that. that's interesting. well, good. so new york, east coast. you're going to come. go to college here. you have two years, right? till college? >> yeah, i'm a junior now, but i'm taking a gap year. >> jimmy: what is a gap year? >> it's when you don't go to school for a year. >> jimmy: tavi, what are you doing? i'm mad at you now. what do you mean? >> i'm just going to, like, all
my focus on one thing, like this stuff for a year. >> jimmy: well, it's a hit. i mean, it's doing really well. rookiemag.com. it's a publication aimed at young girls, right? how else would you describe it? >> well, it's a website, rookiemag.com, but for our one-year anniversary, we put together a compilation of our best content from our first year. >> jimmy: and who writes all this stuff? just you? you're the editor. >> yeah, i'm the editor. and i curate it, but we have a staff of, like, 50 or so writers and photographers and illustrators. >> jimmy: now, i'm not a young girl -- >> right. >> jimmy: but i do -- [ laughter ] contrary to popular belief, i'm not a young girl, but i love your website. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and i go on it. and it's interesting stories, and it's just cool layouts. like, you have a theme, and this year's -- this month's theme is passion? >> passion. yes. >> jimmy: ooh. and you have a lot of stuff about stevie nicks. why stevie nicks?
this is, like, the lyrics of songs. >> yes. i diagrammed them or i started color coding the recurring motif 'cause i feel like she embodies passion. >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah. 'cause she's, like, this very vulnerable, witchy -- >> jimmy: witchy? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, she is like very -- yeah. flowing. wait until she's flowing. >> yeah, she's always flowing, and slightly raised above the ground. [ laughter ] and, like, there are old live videos of her where she'll be like, "this song is about a welsh witch," and then, she'll just go into it. so, she's, like, our hero this month. >> jimmy: yeah, she's super cool. >> yeah. >> jimmy: she was on our show, i think our first week when we started about four years ago, and she gave me this thing. it's a jade -- she said it's a dream catcher. >> that's amazing. >> jimmy: isn't that cool? and so, she said, "close your eyes, make a wish and blow it into the dream catcher, and it will come true." >> have you done it? >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> does it work?
>> jimmy: yeah. you wanna do it? >> okay. >> jimmy: think of a wish. close your eyes. all right, and blow it into the dream catcher. it's gonna come true. >> awesome. >> jimmy: very good. there you go. [ cheers and applause ] tavi gevinson right there. read rookiemag.com every month. it is so fun. tommy mottola joins us after the break. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] the machines are on the move. they're curious. because they've heard that there are new machines -- brilliant ones -- and they're coming to see for themselves. machines with the technology, the scale and the ability to communicate to make the world work better. and now all the machines want in. ♪
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♪ >> jimmy: our next guest is the former head of sony music entertainment, which, under his 15-year tenure, sold 8 billion records and earned $65 billion in sales. >> whoopi: wow. >> jimmy: he worked with and mentored some of the biggest names in the music industry, including mariah carey, celine dion and bruce springsteen. it's all in his new book. it's a great book. "hitmaker: the man and his music," which is in stores now. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to our show tommy mottola. [ applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: you can't beat the roots. >> i like that version. >> jimmy: right? yeah, you do, right? how are you, my friend? >> by the way, congratulations on your grammy nomination. >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> phenomenal. >> jimmy: phenomenal record. what do you think about the grammys? are you going? >> i'm hoping to be there. >> jimmy: yeah, you are. and who do you think is going to win? adele? >> adele will probably walk away with some grammys. i love a guy like bruno mars, who is just fabulous. >> jimmy: i love bruno mars. >> yeah. i think he's one of the most talented male performers ever. >> jimmy: ever. >> ever. >> jimmy: ever -- i mean, who would you compare him to? >> well, he's a blend of so many different things and styles, you know? >> jimmy: yeah. >> musically and as a performer. you know, you see a little bit of everything, but he's got his own identifiable style, without question. >> jimmy: i love that guy. i always like to pick your brain about music and all that stuff. >> right. >> jimmy: we were talking about, backstage, favorite albums. like, good -- really good, like, perfect albums.
and "nilsson schmilsson," harry nilsson -- >> it doesn't get any better. >> jimmy: it doesn't get any better, right? >> no. >> jimmy: every single track on it's great. >> every single track. >> jimmy: it's him at his best. >> yeah, one of the ultimate songwriters ever, history. >> jimmy: and then, the other weird one you said to me -- i think it's a little weird, but i got to go back and listen. you said, terence trent d'arby, first one. >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah. >> terence trent d'arby was one of the quintessential songwriters. >> jimmy: really? 'cause i have that album. >> "sign your name." >> jimmy: "sign your name," "wishing well." >> "wishing well." >> jimmy: i love those ones. ♪ a wishing well ♪ ♪ wishing well >> jimmy: they can do everything, right? >> they did everyone. >> jimmy: no, they can do everything. they can do everything. >> i need these guys in my house. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they're genius, yeah. yeah, they're available for birthday parties. yeah, the roots. [ laughter ] hey, congratulations on this book. i got to tell you, it's such an enjoyable read. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i'm going to announce this. i'm the first to announce this. it's number three on "the new
york times" bestseller list. congratulations, buddy. >> thank you. ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's great. that's major. that is major. it's such an interesting read. and i gotta say, it's a good mix 'cause it's not just a biography. >> right. >> jimmy: it's, like, an autobiography. >> well, you know, i thought -- since i decided to do it, which i wasn't sure i wanted to do -- if i was going to go ahead and do it, i thought i would try to tell a story that was far more important than me and certainly had a bigger umbrella story. so, i thought if i could talk about what happened to music from elvis to the ipod, and the golden age of music, and how people were even inventing rock and roll -- and as it was, you know, really being made on the spot. and then, sort of tell a story and narrate in the middle of that, it might be interesting and not as boring as a normal biography. >> jimmy: it is fantastic, and this film -- i mean, when you see the people that you've made into stars and shaped their careers and made them bigger than they are, i mean -- the one thing that was very
interesting to me is celine dion. >> right. >> jimmy: you got her to sing the "titanic" song. >> right. >> jimmy: but that seems like a no-brainer. >> well, that -- [ chuckles ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you were like, "oh, yeah, you have to do that." >> well, that was a long story. but to make the long story short, the interesting thing about that is that celine went in the studio, reluctantly, to do the demo with james horner, the composer. and we were all sitting in the studio watching her. and in one take, one take, sang that song as the demo. we weren't even sure if it was going to be in the movie or not. it ended up being the vocal that's on the record and sold 70 million albums that year. >> jimmy: 70 million albums. i mean, that's insane. and that's just the demo. >> it was incredible. but that's more than, you know, maybe the whole industry does now. >> jimmy: but, i mean, what do you think of the industry now, by the way? i mean, now it's not the cds anymore. cds are kind of out. >> well, you know, the good thing is that -- you know, about the internet and what's going on, is that it's
created a more insatiable appetite than ever for music, for the audience, for the consumer. so, you know, the industry is working hard to figure out how to monetize its artists and for themselves as a business. the only thing is that the development of artists, in a consistent way, is different. it's changed. the economics of the business doesn't necessarily allow artists to develop the way they did. you know, bruce springsteen, for instance, took three albums, four albums. some of the other artists, some of the big stars, billy -- billy joel, three, four albums. >> jimmy: columbia almost dropped -- >> yeah. >> i mean, it could've taken one, two, three albums before they develop, before they were able to become performers and go out in clubs and work and get their act together. so now, you know, you download a song. you don't necessarily get the body of work. it's hard for artists to create a platform in the same way. >> jimmy: it is, yeah. 'cause, i mean, like you -- you've also, like -- -- exploded so many things. the one of the things is the latin explosion.
>> we had a huge latin business, and we dominated the latin business for a lot of years. and, you know, we kicked around the idea many times of these rhythms, the color of the culture are so vibrant, so brilliant, why if we -- why couldn't we, if we didn't have an artist sing in english, why couldn't it become global music? with their rhythms, with their color. you know, with all the -- everything else that went along with it. so, as a result of that -- you know, between gloria estefan, ricky martin, jennifer lopez. >> jimmy: yeah. >> shakira. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know, just to name a few. marc anthony. >> jimmy: i even like the way you say shakira. [ laughter ] >> shakira. >> jimmy: yeah, very good. and i have to talk about mariah carey. you know her. and -- [ laughter ] >> i thought you were going to come out and do "the christmas song." >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. i was going to -- by the way -- yeah. that was -- i have to thank you for that because we did it with the roots with just classroom instruments. >> that was incredible. that was absolutely incredible.
i turned on the show that night, and i'm sitting down. i thought i was hallucinating. and i said, "i can't believe that this is going on." >> jimmy: oh, good. i love to hear that. >> it was fabulous. >> jimmy: i love to hear that. and you got her to do that christmas album, right? >> it was a little bit of a struggle at that time. there was a lot of overwhelming things going on, like recording lots of records and having lots of hits. so, this came at a time when she was particularly busy. but i thought it came at the right time in the career, and it ended up being one of the most successful selling christmas albums of all time. i think it sold over 20 million copies. >> jimmy: i think -- yeah, we just -- it is. >> it's great to see her now, enjoying that and singing those songs to her kids and stuff. so, it's gratifying. >> jimmy: that's awesome, buddy. well, thank you so much for coming on. everybody, you got to pick up this book. it's fantastic. tommy mottola, "hitmaker." check it out. it's in stores right now. up next, stand-up from kurt metzger. see you after the break. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ the capital one cash rewards card
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premieres april 30th. please give it up for kurt metzger, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you, everyone. i hope this goes okay. i got onstage last week, and i go, "hey, what's up, dude" to a guy kind of, like, where you are. and he looked mad at me. immediately, he's mad. and i looked at him better, and i realized it was a lesbian. it was a woman. [ light laughter ] yeah, i wasn't trying to be mean. i just didn't see. so, i start trying apologize all awkwardly. i go, "ma'am, i am so sorry. i have a light in my eyes. i'm not trying to make a mean joke at you. i support you. i support your lifestyle. i support your right to get married if you want. i can see clearly you're a woman. please forgive me." and in just the saddest voice, she goes, "i am a man." because it was a man. [ laughter ] it was not a lesbian. it was just a very hurt looking man.
[ laughter ] guy had a vest on. what do you want? so, i'm 35 now, and i don't think 35 is still old. but it is the puberty of getting old, kinda, you know? it's a very scary time. and it's not like your first puberty, which is all reassuring, you know? and you go, "i have hair in funny places and i can't stop touching myself. am i dying?" [ light laughter ] "no, it's just puberty. have a judy blume book and judy blume it away." there's nothing like that for me now. i have one long hair growing out of my nose, and i'm afraid to pull it out because i think it might be attached to my brain. [ laughter ] am i dying from that? yes, probably. you're old. here's "tuesdays with morrie." [ laughter ] did you guys hear what walmart is going for veterans right now? if you're a military veteran coming home and you need a job, you can you automatically get a job at walmart if you want. that's pretty cool, walmart, i
think? [ applause ] yeah, nothing against walmart. it's just that in those recruiting commercials for the military, they did kind of make it sound like when you get out, you don't have to work at walmart. [ laughter ] you know, nothing wrong with working at walmart. it's just that seems like a real long way to go to a job at walmart. you've got to go through basic training and a zero dark thirty mission just to get to a job folding $7 sweatpants in the hefty teen section. [ laughter ] you know? [ laughter and applause ] "oh, you tracked and killed bin laden? cool, cool. listen, right now you need to track down a missing case of kotex. [ laughter ] do you think you can handle that, corporal?" guys, i don't know if you watch "toddlers and tiaras," but this one pageant mom is in big trouble right now because she took her 5-year-old daughter and put a set of big fake boobs on her, okay, and a fake ass and sent her out on stage and had her do a booty dance. and now, she might lose custody of her daughter for that, which
i think is completely unfair, okay? because if you think about it, that woman is a genius. [ light laughter ] what's the big fear about these pageants? pedophiles, right? and what better way to hide your child from a pedophile than to disguise her as a voluptuous woman? [ laughter ] that's the last thing a pedophile wants to see. i'll bet every pedophile left that pageant in disgust when they saw that. [ laughter ] "shame on you, ma'am! i came here to see a child pageant, not watch betty white re-enact 'the golden girls.' [ laughter ] i'm out of here. anybody want a free six pack of cheerleader socks? 'cause i'm not going to need 'em." guys -- [ audience ohs ] let it settle in. [ laughter ] i don't have a lot of time. i was just in san diego, and -- i got a $200 ticket for jaywalking in san diego. a cop pulled me over walking to give me a $200 jaywalking ticket.
has that ever happened to you in new york one time? no! because cops have things to do here. they have to stop and frisk every black man who's ever lived. they don't have time for my white jaywalkings in this town. but this oinker just looked me right in my eyes and wrote me a $200 ticket like that's okay. and i know i shouldn't call him names like that, right? because he's just doing his job, right? just following orders, like a nazi! not like that. sorry. i'm just upset about that ticket, okay? that's not -- that's not cool. that is not a fair comparison and i know that, all right? i mean, let's face it. not even hitler would charge a guy $200 for jaywalking. [ light laughter ] even a jerk like hitler would have the christianity not to charge $200 for jaywalking. i've seen every hitler show on the history channel. that guy committed every evil crime you could commit as a human except overcharge for jaywalking.
that's the one thing he forgot to do. so, congratulations, san diego, on finishing the work of hitler. [ laughter ] i'm out of time, guys. thank you so much. you were great. ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: kurt metzger, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] go see kurt perform april 24th through the 27th at the moon power comedy festival in austin, texas and follow him on twitter @kurtmetzger. we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ?? f